I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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