woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
