what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
