all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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