His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
