I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
