shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just pynch a tree in the face
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
