No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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