if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
