Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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