High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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