Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
