I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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