Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize