Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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