I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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