Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
