New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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