The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
