Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
