dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize