and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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