i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
