I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you