happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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