I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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