i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
