Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
