I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
