And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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