I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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