exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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