I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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