At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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