Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
