We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
