Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Randomize
