I'm passing your future prison.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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