i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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