Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
