I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
