why didn't you poke me back
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
