also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
