6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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