We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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