People in love make me want to vomit
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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