the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
