I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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