I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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