And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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