your thong is hanging out like whoa
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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