all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i love accidental penises.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
