you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
