Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
