Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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